Deep Breaths…

Being a leader doesn’t require a title; having a title doesn’t make you one.:

What happens when your “leader” isn’t one until they are forced to be and even then they aren’t professional about it?

Things have been busy. I have been working non stop and in desperate need of a break. Sir and I are lucky if we truly get some good quality time in… and sometimes I feel like we are left on the back burner. I finally get a break and honestly… its not even one. We are nearly on the home stretch, just a few more months to go before we make the move to the city of our dreams, Seattle. As each day passes we want and pray the end comes quicker. Sir and I are under a number of different stresses and we are trying to take each day as it comes. Unfortunately I have never been good at that type of thinking. The stress I am under with my contractual work has pushed me to a breaking point… I want to quit but can’t afford to.

I used to love my job, had an amazing passion for it. I would arrive early and light up when I saw all the potential, all the little details, all the beautiful priceless moments that would happen that night, but over the past couple years that passion has all but been snuffed out. I have worked so much over these couple years that I just don’t see it the same way anymore. I see clients I don’t know, the same mundane details, music, and moments I see every weekend, and I am just not enjoying it anymore. I have people spreading rumors about me because they don’t like me, although there may be some truth to them I know they are not as frequent as they are being said to be. I hate feeling this way. I hate waking up and dreading the 6-9 hours I have to work. I hate waking up and being in knots all week trying to prepare myself for the outcome of the weekend. This job is breaking me and I am starting to see that it has done more damage than it has good. It changed the way I worked and not for the better and it breaks my heart.

Thankfully I noticed what had been lacking in my work and have been reverting back to my original style, just with better knowledge. Though what I do on the weekends even with reverting back has not re-lit the fire inside, I have found that the passion I had for what I did on the weekends has thankfully moved into a different area. Something much more manageable and not nearly as time consuming, giving me the freedom to control my schedule more, and have more time with Sir. It also opens the flood gate to the bogged down crying out creative passionate side I have missed. Unfortunately realizing this path has also made me realize that my contractual work needs to change as well. Something needs to give and my skills need to be directed to other areas. I only pray that they see it and can grant me that relief for these last few months I need to work.

What happens when your “leader” isn’t one until they are forced to be and even then they aren’t professional about it? You have to make a drastic change in order to finish out your time… or quit.

Finding Inspiration…


This means more to me than I have ever realized. I have had several jobs, several hobbies, done several different things. I have been desperately trying to not only find something I have a passion for but find my true self as well. It’s been taxing and very hard. After being in the military I thought I had found my style. Unfortunately I had not and it took me several years to wake up and realize the country scene was not what I liked or wanted. It was what I had grown accustomed to being stationed in the middle of hickville. 

When I woke up one morning and realized that I had been stuck in a haze it was the most refreshing and awakening feeling ever. I replaced a good deal of our country items with contemporary simple things instead. I began to see everything clearer. Realizing that I had found my passion in photography and writing was fantastic… realizing I needed to find myself was overwhelming. Just as I started piecing parts of me together I find a job contracting for a photography company. It starts out great… until I find myself lost yet again.

Starting our D/s dynamic also has started to clear the fog. I find myself calmer on most occasions. At ease. Again things are becoming clearer. I’m pulling myself out of the heavy fog that has consumed me. I’m finding my style within my passion again. I’m finding myself within my dynamic with Sir. I’m finding the person that has been broken, shattered, torn, ripped apart, stepped and walked over. It hard, painful, and taxing to put the pieces back together. But with the help of a select group of friends and Sir… I am finally finding a way to heal. I am finding the passion not only within my job but within myself. 

Monday Opportunities Await…


Good Morning Monday!

It’s been a busy crazy weekend and the week is going to follow. Bridal/ day after session today, portraits tomorrow, editing all week, business work fit in there, and a wedding on Friday. One of my hardest things is making time for myself and for Sir. We get so busy we don’t schedule anytime for each other. So this week we are going to make sure that there is time for us everyday. We are going to make sure we get to the gym every morning, eat right, and spend sometime together talking and playing 😋😜 when we get home. This week is going to be great!

The Damn Nightmares…


My nightmares are constant and paralyzingly. It’s rare I have anything but a nightmare. They fluctuate between dreams and terrors. Most of the time they are so bad I can’t cry, scream, talk, or move. I’m trapped. Stuck in whatever demented convoluted ideas my subconscious can summon. My dreams are dark… most of which would most likely frighten others. I normally keep them to myself, pushing them deep inside myself. Locked away like secrets. Unfortunately they are damaging… holding me back from moving forward and letting go. Unable to live in the present, only to live in the past. I have been broken and shattered in so many ways, picking up and putting the pieces back together is hard. Everytime I hold something back the pieces fall apart again. I need to learn to confide in my Sir. Know that he will be there to hold me and comfort me when I wake up… or shake me out of one. He’s understanding and patient. I need to remember that. I need to remember that just because I have had a constant pattern of things going beautifully only to be ripped away from me, that not everything will go that way. I need to learn to trust again. Trust in Sir. Trust in my friends. Trust in my best friend and when they say they will never leave me they mean it. My nightmares constantly remind me how fractured my trust in anything is. How do I repair it? Asking for reassurance will only annoy and push them away… so what do I do? 

A Gathering of Friends…

  
This past week has been nothing short of amazing, truly words can not justify the experience Sir and I have had. I am thankful that we could go to Vegas and spend time with like minded people, who I can officially call friends. 

When Sir and I first started back into this D/s-M lifestyle I was beyond thankful to find HusDom and SubMrs. I wanted this lifestyle so much and I felt my heart break when I wasn’t sure if I could ever get Sir to come around to it. When I found HusDom I read everything completely fascinated with the fact that there were others out there that wanted this life style but we’re married. Our issue before we had found HusDom and subMrs was that everything BDSM was for single people, nothing for the married couples. Things were extreme and felt as though everything was only skin deep. We needed and wanted something even deeper than that. 

HusDom and subMrs showed us that we could still have the BDSM lifestyle while making it work for us not against us. When we signed up for each site I was overwhelmed with the support and positivity of the other married ladies, subbies, that were also living the life that I wanted. Helping each other with problems, answering questions, praising each other for progress. I was happy to find that Sir had other men, HusDoms, to talk to. Ones that were very much in love with their spouse and very firm on not sharing. 

As with anything you find specific people you talk to more than others, although everyone is nice and very helpful. Some of these wonderful ladies I was able to meet in person this week in Vegas for the 3rd Warren Gathering. Some of which I connected to well within chat or txt I connected and bonded with in person, others I still love but are better with in chat or txt. None the less I loved meeting every single subbie and their Sir’s. I dread waiting an entire year for a chance to see them again! 

As you have read in past posts I have some what of a dark past that bleeds into my present. Things I constantly deal with and pray go away. I have never been able to figure out how to let go… or maybe I just wasn’t ready to let go. Maybe I felt that I needed to remember all the horrid events to either preserve myself or because I felt that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I needed to remember everything, allow it to haunt me, torture me, consume me, because I let it all happen. Two ladies in particular helped me this week more than I think they will ever realize. I’m not even sure if I can explain to them enough what they did for me… and continue to do for me. I can only create something special for each to show my gratitude. I am learning… And ready to let go. 

Meeting everyone, being around them, talking to them, has made our journey so much more real. It has inspired us to work harder and create some thing even more deep than I think we had originally realized. Each day was an inspiration, and the following day was more inspiring than the previous. Each day came with different experiences, and many tears shed… and even through a couple tifts here and there, there were no bad circumstances. Sir and I grew so much… there are still things we much work on… there will always be things to work on… though each one will be a growing experience. With the new wonderful family we are growing with, I know we can do better, be better. 

Finally we have people in our life where we can truly be ourselves with out fear of judgement! Thank you HusDom and subMrs for giving us… all of us a safe opportunity to meet and grow together!   

   

 To those of you out there that are married or in a long term relationship or know of people that are and want a safe place to talk and live out a “secret” life style you want deep down… Please, please, visit HusDom.com ( for Dominants) or subMrs.com ( for submissives). You won’t regret it! We’re here and you have a safe place to be yourself with out judgement! There are so many of us!