Deep Breaths…

Being a leader doesn’t require a title; having a title doesn’t make you one.:

What happens when your “leader” isn’t one until they are forced to be and even then they aren’t professional about it?

Things have been busy. I have been working non stop and in desperate need of a break. Sir and I are lucky if we truly get some good quality time in… and sometimes I feel like we are left on the back burner. I finally get a break and honestly… its not even one. We are nearly on the home stretch, just a few more months to go before we make the move to the city of our dreams, Seattle. As each day passes we want and pray the end comes quicker. Sir and I are under a number of different stresses and we are trying to take each day as it comes. Unfortunately I have never been good at that type of thinking. The stress I am under with my contractual work has pushed me to a breaking point… I want to quit but can’t afford to.

I used to love my job, had an amazing passion for it. I would arrive early and light up when I saw all the potential, all the little details, all the beautiful priceless moments that would happen that night, but over the past couple years that passion has all but been snuffed out. I have worked so much over these couple years that I just don’t see it the same way anymore. I see clients I don’t know, the same mundane details, music, and moments I see every weekend, and I am just not enjoying it anymore. I have people spreading rumors about me because they don’t like me, although there may be some truth to them I know they are not as frequent as they are being said to be. I hate feeling this way. I hate waking up and dreading the 6-9 hours I have to work. I hate waking up and being in knots all week trying to prepare myself for the outcome of the weekend. This job is breaking me and I am starting to see that it has done more damage than it has good. It changed the way I worked and not for the better and it breaks my heart.

Thankfully I noticed what had been lacking in my work and have been reverting back to my original style, just with better knowledge. Though what I do on the weekends even with reverting back has not re-lit the fire inside, I have found that the passion I had for what I did on the weekends has thankfully moved into a different area. Something much more manageable and not nearly as time consuming, giving me the freedom to control my schedule more, and have more time with Sir. It also opens the flood gate to the bogged down crying out creative passionate side I have missed. Unfortunately realizing this path has also made me realize that my contractual work needs to change as well. Something needs to give and my skills need to be directed to other areas. I only pray that they see it and can grant me that relief for these last few months I need to work.

What happens when your “leader” isn’t one until they are forced to be and even then they aren’t professional about it? You have to make a drastic change in order to finish out your time… or quit.