Since I was young I have had a nasty habit of bottling up how I feel. It’s easier… It doesn’t hurt as much. It’s a habit that is also not easily broken. Something Sir has desperately been trying to break me from doing. He was very upset at me the other day when after feeling heart broken for what felt like forever I suddenly stopped crying and just stared at him. The clear cut sign that everything I was feeling was being locked away and buried down deep. He tried to break the lock but the damage had already been done. For the following two days I felt nothing, just completely numb. The only emotion that came from me was anger. Lashing out, snapping, distance, attitude. Stuck in a nasty vicious cycle without even realizing. For days the bottled emotions were eating away at me from the inside. The bad part… Is this holds me back in our D/s journey and marriage. I can’t let go and trust as easily because I have cut myself off emotionally.
Unfortunately the reason why this habit is hard to break is because after its happened, although I’m in pain on the inside and I may not realize it, it allows me to re-look at what is bothering me from a more logical less attached state. I can refocus and calm down… especially when I have over reacted. I can process and remember what has been said in the past, I can remember that the world isn’t always falling apart just because life gets in the way sometimes. I can still miss what was going on before, and look forward to the future, but not feel broken and bruised. So tell me… Why should I break this habit if it allows me to be more logical?