Happy Memorial Day!
Hope everyone has been enjoying some time in the sun, playing with the kids, being with family, hanging at the beach or pool, and enjoying good food. Remember those who cannot be here today with us… Either because they are fighting for us or have fought without returning home. Remember to thank an active, veteran, or reserve member of the military. Regardless of the time they spent fighting for us they have made sacrifices.
Thank you to all military members active, reserved, veteran, or deceased. We appreciate your service and fighting for us!
Hope everyone has a happy, fun, wonderful day! For those in the states and are traveling for the memorial holiday, be safe! It’s a long weekend and everyone will be enjoying the pools and the beach! I’m off to a baptism then an engagement session this evening, so have some fun for me too!
Let the crazy events of this weekend begin!
It’s not a non stop weekend for me. A wedding tonight, baptism in the morning, engagement session in the evening, phone meeting in the afternoon. Monday, and finally a bridal session Monday evening! That doesn’t even include things that need to be done inspite of all that!
Hopefully soon Sir and I will be able to enjoy some uninterrupted time together, without the stresses of life.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
Since I was young I have had a nasty habit of bottling up how I feel. It’s easier… It doesn’t hurt as much. It’s a habit that is also not easily broken. Something Sir has desperately been trying to break me from doing. He was very upset at me the other day when after feeling heart broken for what felt like forever I suddenly stopped crying and just stared at him. The clear cut sign that everything I was feeling was being locked away and buried down deep. He tried to break the lock but the damage had already been done. For the following two days I felt nothing, just completely numb. The only emotion that came from me was anger. Lashing out, snapping, distance, attitude. Stuck in a nasty vicious cycle without even realizing. For days the bottled emotions were eating away at me from the inside. The bad part… Is this holds me back in our D/s journey and marriage. I can’t let go and trust as easily because I have cut myself off emotionally.
Unfortunately the reason why this habit is hard to break is because after its happened, although I’m in pain on the inside and I may not realize it, it allows me to re-look at what is bothering me from a more logical less attached state. I can refocus and calm down… especially when I have over reacted. I can process and remember what has been said in the past, I can remember that the world isn’t always falling apart just because life gets in the way sometimes. I can still miss what was going on before, and look forward to the future, but not feel broken and bruised. So tell me… Why should I break this habit if it allows me to be more logical?
My nightmares are constant and paralyzingly. It’s rare I have anything but a nightmare. They fluctuate between dreams and terrors. Most of the time they are so bad I can’t cry, scream, talk, or move. I’m trapped. Stuck in whatever demented convoluted ideas my subconscious can summon. My dreams are dark… most of which would most likely frighten others. I normally keep them to myself, pushing them deep inside myself. Locked away like secrets. Unfortunately they are damaging… holding me back from moving forward and letting go. Unable to live in the present, only to live in the past. I have been broken and shattered in so many ways, picking up and putting the pieces back together is hard. Everytime I hold something back the pieces fall apart again. I need to learn to confide in my Sir. Know that he will be there to hold me and comfort me when I wake up… or shake me out of one. He’s understanding and patient. I need to remember that. I need to remember that just because I have had a constant pattern of things going beautifully only to be ripped away from me, that not everything will go that way. I need to learn to trust again. Trust in Sir. Trust in my friends. Trust in my best friend and when they say they will never leave me they mean it. My nightmares constantly remind me how fractured my trust in anything is. How do I repair it? Asking for reassurance will only annoy and push them away… so what do I do?
This is how I have been my entire life. I can explain my thoughts in details on paper, especially when I don’t think to hard about it, rather than voice them. I have a hard time explaining things. People think I talk in circles or in code, when really I make perfect sense, they just don’t understand. Then I put it on paper and it’s like everything is drawn in crayon. I feel I can express myself better through the art of writing too. Poems light and dark are from feelings I deal with every day. Journaling… Something I do on a daily basis for Sir to help him further understand me, my mind, our progression through this new journey in D/s. My book… Characters that dwell deep inside my mind come to life on the page. I never get tired of writing. It’s part of who I am. I have to write something every day. Unfortunately the art of writing is dying. People are typing, texting, calling, talking more than they hand write anything. I wish the world would write more letters. You used to be able to tell a persons emotion just by the handwriting on the page. Now with typing people read into it far to much. Communication isn’t what it used to be.
How do you express yourself?
We’re finally getting back into our workout routine. We get up at 4 am everyday 5 days a week to workout. I don’t go to bed until late. I can’t tell you how much I would prefer to be lying in bed attempting to sleep through my nightmares or enjoy my good dreams. I don’t though. Regardless of how much sleep I may get… I get up and workout. I lift weights and do cardio. I love and hate cardio. There are things that are super ridiculously boring. I try to bring a book for those machines (aka stairmaster) but even then I am praying the time flies by. I am working out for myself, for my husband, and for my friends. I want to be healthy and live a good life with them. I can’t do that if I am not doing something to benefit my body.
So many people now only workout to look like magazines, shows, other people. It’s rare that someone does it for themselves. It has to be you first! You have to do it for you! If you don’t… Then it won’t stick. You can’t have someone force you to eat better or workout because when they are gone you don’t have them for help. You have to find the discipline to do what you need to do whether you want to or not. This applies to all aspects of life not just working out and eating healthy.
Make the necessary sacrifices and adjustments to live a healthy happy life. Do it for yourself, then your family… even if it is just for your pets, they need you too.