Broken…

 My past is a dark one. It has haunted me most of my life. I have seen a number of different people, professional and non a like. I tried to deal with what has happened emotionally, physically, and mentally. It never goes away. The pain at times is unbearable. So I shoved it in a box and locked the lid tight. I decided to avoid rather than heal. I thought it was working for many years. I always appeared strong on the outside when I was weak within. My mask is hard… but if you look close there are cracks. I am most people’s rock. The one they can count on no matter what. Its exhausting, but it’s what I do. I’m a watcher. This makes me good at giving advice. I can listen and take it in, read between the lines, and see all the sides. I have helped so many. I can’t do the same for myself. I have been hurt. Wounded to the core. My trust in people is fractured. I don’t know how to put the pieces together again. My heart aches from the past and yearns for the desire to finally heal it. Since starting this new dynamic the box has been opened up. The lock lies broken on the ground. The secrets and pain spilling out. I don’t know how to deal with the past, the pain, the hurt. I don’t know when they will surface. When they do it’s worse than before. I don’t like to cry, but I can’t hold it back either. The crying doesn’t help though… and the pain hurts worse. How do you heal what you think can’t be healed? I try to trust my Sir. He is my best friend, my husband, my rock, my husDom. I love him with all my heart. What if the trust was shaken though… how do you get passed it? I’m in an emotional hangover… and I don’t know how to come out. 

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